May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but toothpaste is not a substitute for lube.
Sometimes, left to our own devices, us humans will do stupid things — especially when horny. After scouring forums on which people described their weirdest masturbating tools (a lot of plastic baggies, a lot of doll parts?), I’ve put together a handy guide for what not to use when you’re horny at home.
Homebody horndogs, this list is for you. Be careful out there.
1. Jar of peanut butter
Guys, don’t go chasing jars of Skippy. That’s just fucking nuts.
Cleaning equipment isn’t the best idea for your equipment. Depending on your vacuum, there’s potential for mangling— some have a blade right inside the tube, designed to chop larger bits and pieces so it doesn’t clog. According to The British Medical Journal, there have been numerous instances of penis-in-vacuum disasters. Also, the intense suction could leave blisters. Not to mention it’s a device used to suck dust and dirt off of your floor. Your Dyson and your Johnson aren’t friends.
3. A knife handle
While the handle of your Mercer Culinary 10-inch Chef’s Knife might look fit for insertion, it’s not. The last thing you want to do is show up to the ER with bloody hands because you were “trying to masturbate with a knife.” Cut it out!
4. Anything wooden
What’s worse than a splinter? A splinter in your vagina or butthole. Don’t use any wooden items around the house— a baseball bat, a spoon, etc.— unless, of course, it’s a wooden dildo, made for the one specific purpose of pleasure. Who says men are the only ones that are allowed to sport wood? Wooden dildo makers, apparently.
5. A dog’s toy
I’d imagine that getting off with a brightly colored plastic, possibly squeaky toy would be annoying more than anything. However, in addition to bacteria, you run the risk of your dog trying to reclaim what was once theirs. Fetch yourself a vibrator.
6. A rolled up magazine
Arguably worse than a splinter is a paper cut. Don’t risk your bits for an issue of Vanity Fair, even if Beto O’Rourke is on the cover.
PSA for anyone with genitals: soap is for cleaning, not creaming. The ingredients in a majority of body soaps aren’t intended to be dispatched inside of genitals, especially over a period of time. While you might end up with gleaming genitals, they’ll also be burning.
8. A toothbrush
Like many orthodontia related items, toothbrushes (especially the bristled side) are no good for achieving orgasm. After all, it’s just a stick of plastic that’s been sitting in your bathroom. In that aspect, it’s not much different from using the handle on a plunger.
Your sexual organs aren’t at risk of getting cavities, so don’t let a tube of Crest anywhere near them. That cooling mint sensation? Not so cool down there.
10. The couch
If you live alone, go for it. But most of us don’t have a couch we can freely hump. This can be found in the The Code of Roommates Who Don’t Jizz On Shared Furniture Handbook under clause #2872.
I’m not sure what would compel someone to willfully use a pepper to obtain an orgasm, but if you are compelled, pause. Think about what this could do to your body. You’re (hopefully) not an arsonist, so why are you trying to burn it down there?
If you are still feeling compelled, here you’ll find a story of a 24-year-old Margaret who absentmindedly touched herself after making chili. She barely survived. But the chili was good! So there’s that.
12. A pie
We’ve all seen American Pie, the movie that is aptly named for its iconic scene in which actor Jason Biggs goes to town with an apple pie. No need to recreate that scenario, though. You’ll just end up with a big mess and short one perfectly good pie.
I know, I know, you thought the list would end without a mention of cucumbers, the seemingly innocent phallic vegetable. While it’s probably the most tame item on this list, it’s not ideal because of the potential germs involved. The risk of bacteria just isn’t worth it. If you can get past putting a condom on a cucumber, then all the power to you.
Next time you’re looking around the house for something to pleasure yourself with, just use a toy made for sexual play. Or your hand. Just make sure you wash your hands after making anything involving peppers.